Helping a Very Young Child Deal with Death

passed away or "gone to sleep" can be very upsetting. It is better to say the person has died and they will not be able to see them any longer. Talk about how memories last forever. Give them extra love and attention. ‚

General

You may struggle with what to say to your child when someone has died. Here is a sample of what you might say. ‚
"I have something very sad to tell you. Aunt Helen has died. This means her body has stopped moving. She doesnt move anymore because her muscles have stopped working. She doesn't breathe because her lungs have stopped working. Her heart has stopped and will never start again. She doesn't feel anything and is not in any pain. I am sad because Aunt Helen has died and I will miss her. It is OK if you want to ask me any questions. I will do my best to answer them." ‚
Here are some tips to help your child cope with the sadness and grief. ‚
Help your child deal with their feelings: ‚

There is no right or wrong way for your child to grieve. It is only important that they do it without hurting themself or others.
Very young children may not be able to express what they are feeling. Grief may be expressed as more crying than normal. Your child may not want to be away from you and may cling to you. Some children will be very upset and have temper tantrums. These emotions may come and go for weeks to months.
Reassure your child that they are loved and will be taken care of. Give your child extra hugs. Your child may want to sit on your lap or to be close to you to feel safe. Do your best to keep your child's normal routines and to use your child's normal caretakers.

Help your child remember their loved one: ‚

Talk with your child about what happens at the funeral. Together you can decide what part, if any, your child may want to take part in. If your child is going to the funeral, be sure to explain what they will see and hear. Pictures and books often help the young child understand what they will see. You may want to have another family member focus on and care for your child during the service. Remember your child has a short attention span and may not be able to sit quietly for a long time.
You may want to help your child remember your loved one by telling stories or drawing a picture. Lighting a candle, looking at photographs or a family video are other ways to help your child remember their loved one.
Consider letting your child keep something that belonged to your loved one.
Understand that it is normal for your child to ask questions and to say your loved one's name. They may even play "funeral" with dolls or stuffed animals. This is how a child copes with feelings and things they do not understand.
Holidays and anniversaries may bring back memories and feelings. Be ready and expect these feelings. Make plans to help your child cope. Ask your child how they would like to honor your loved one.

Reassure your child: ‚

Remind your child that there are many people who love and care for them.
Explain clearly any changes in routine such as where a child will be living or going to school if a parent has died.
Reassure your child that not every illness or accident ends in death.
Talk to a therapist or grief counselor. This person can help you deal with your child's feelings that go along with grief and loss. Often, friends and family may want to help. They may not have the training to know how in a healthy way.
Deal with your own grief. It is alright to let your child see you grieve and cry, but also reassure them that you are going to be OK and will continue to care for them.

Activities may be helpful: ‚

Reading stories on grief and loss may be helpful.
Do fun things that your child enjoys. Let your child know that it is OK to still laugh and have fun. This does not mean that they are over their grief or have forgotten their loved one.

When do I need to call the doctor?

Your child has made any attempt to hurt themself or they have been doing very risky things, hoping to die by accident
Your child feels life is not worth living or your child has thoughts of harming themself or someone else
Your child cant sleep, eat, or think clearly
Your child has big changes in behavior or in school
Your child is having problems trusting other people or is afraid of others
Your child's grief does not go away or seems to be getting worse
Your child does not want to play with friends

Where can I learn more?

American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry ‚
http://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/Facts_for_Families_Pages/Children_And_Grief_08.aspx ‚
American Academy of Pediatrics ‚
http://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/How-Children-Understand-Death-What-You-Should-Say.aspx ‚
Clinical Center National Institutes of Health ‚
http://www.cc.nih.gov/ccc/patient_education/pepubs/childeath.pdf ‚
KidsHealth ‚
http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/death.html ‚

Last Reviewed Date

2015-04-30 ‚

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Healthy Living
Mental Health
Pediatric

Consumer Information Use and Disclaimer

This information is not specific medical advice and does not replace information you receive from your health care provider. This is only a brief summary of general information. It does NOT include all information about conditions, illnesses, injuries, tests, procedures, treatments, therapies, discharge instructions or life-style choices that may apply to you. You must talk with your health care provider for complete information about your health and treatment options. This information should not be used to decide whether or not to accept your health care provider 's advice, instructions or recommendations. Only your health care provider has the knowledge and training to provide advice that is right for you. ‚

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