Helping a Child Deal With Death

passed away or "gone to sleep" can be very upsetting. It is better to say the person has died and they won't be able to see them any longer. This may be hard for you and your family. You may have to repeat yourself as well. Talk about how memories last forever. Give them extra love and attention. ‚
School age children between the ages of 6 and 12 are beginning to understand that death is permanent. They may think something they did or said could have changed or prevented their loved one's death. Reassure them that nothing they did caused the death. School age children may react by having more headaches, stomachaches, or other physical signs. Sometimes, these signs are brought on by times of sadness or grief. ‚
Teens are better able to understand death in a way that is similar to adults. They may also think this is not going to happen to me, especially if the loved one was older. Teens are not as skilled at expressing or handling their emotions. Give them opportunities to talk. Your teen may struggle to find meaning in the death of a loved one or in their own life. Teens may withdraw or turn to friends for comfort. Some teens may turn to things like drug use or alcohol as a way to try and cope with their feelings. ‚

General

You may struggle with what to say to your child when someone has died. Be honest and encourage questions. Here is a sample of what you might say. ‚
"I have something very sad to tell you. Aunt Helen has died. This means her body has stopped working. She doesnt move anymore because her muscles have stopped working. She doesn't breathe because her lungs have stopped working and her heart has stopped working too. She doesn't feel anything so she is not in any pain. I am sad because Aunt Helen has died and I will miss her. It is OK for you to be sad. Ask me any questions you have and I will do my best to answer them." ‚
Here are some tips to help your child cope with the sadness and grief. ‚
Help your child deal with their feelings: ‚

There is no right or wrong way for your child to grieve. It is only important that they do it without hurting themself or others.
Some children will cry. Others will become angry. Some may not react at all to the news of a loved one dying. Your child may feel guilty or disobey. These emotions may come and go for weeks to months.
Encourage your child to talk about how they feel and what they think. Talking about what happened is a healthy way of trying to make sense of loss. It will help your child work toward accepting life without their loved one.
Reach out to family, friends, clergy, or a grief counselor.

Help your child remember their loved one: ‚

Talk with your child about what happens at the funeral and the cemetery. Together decide what part, if any, your child may want to take part in. If your child is going to the funeral, be sure to explain what they will see and hear. You may want to have another family member focus on caring for your child during this service.
Tell stories or draw a picture. Lighting a candle or looking at photographs are other ways to help your child remember their loved one.
Consider letting your child keep something that belonged to the person who died.
Understand that it is normal for your child to ask questions and to say your loved one's name. They may even play "funeral" with dolls or stuffed animals. This is how a child copes with feelings and things they do not understand.
Make plans on how to help your child cope with holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries. These can bring back memories and feelings. Be ready and expect these feelings. Talk to your child about how they would like to honor your loved one.

Reassure your child: ‚

Remind your child that there are many people who love and care for them.
Explain clearly any changes in routine such as where a child will be living or going to school if a parent has died.
Reassure your child that not every illness or accident ends in death.
Talk to a therapist or grief counselor. This person can help you deal with your child's strong feelings that go along with grief and loss. Often, friends and family may want to help. They may not have the training to know how in a healthy way.
Deal with your own grief. It is alright to let your child see you grieve, but also reassure them that you are going to be OK and continue to care for them.

Activities may be helpful: ‚

Reading stories on grief and loss may be helpful.
Do things that your child enjoys and are fun. Let your child know that it is OK to laugh and have fun still. This does not mean that they are over their grief or have forgotten their loved one. It often feels good to do something to express strong feelings.
Spend time working with others.
Have your child help you create a memorial. Having some lasting keepsake of a loved one may bring comfort to both of you. Make a garden spot or plant a tree, rose bush, or flowers.

When do I need to call the doctor?

Your child has made any attempt to hurt themself or they have been doing very risky things with the hope of dying by accident
Your child feels life is not worth living or your child has thoughts of harming themself or someone else
Your child cant sleep, eat, or think clearly
Your child has big changes in behavior
Your child is having problems trusting other people or feels fearful of others
Your child's grief does not go away or seems to be getting worse

Where can I learn more?

American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry ‚
http://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/Facts_for_Families_Pages/Children_And_Grief_08.aspx ‚
American Academy of Pediatrics ‚
http://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/How-Children-Understand-Death-What-You-Should-Say.aspx ‚
Clinical Center National Institutes of Health ‚
http://www.cc.nih.gov/ccc/patient_education/pepubs/childeath.pdf ‚
KidsHealth ‚
http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/death.html ‚

Last Reviewed Date

2015-01-30 ‚

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Healthy Living
Mental Health
Pediatric

Consumer Information Use and Disclaimer

This information is not specific medical advice and does not replace information you receive from your health care provider. This is only a brief summary of general information. It does NOT include all information about conditions, illnesses, injuries, tests, procedures, treatments, therapies, discharge instructions or life-style choices that may apply to you. You must talk with your health care provider for complete information about your health and treatment options. This information should not be used to decide whether or not to accept your health care provider 's advice, instructions or recommendations. Only your health care provider has the knowledge and training to provide advice that is right for you. ‚

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